Cars (EWW Video)
Cars is a EWW video aired May 2016. Transcript Everything Wrong With Cars in 16 Minutes Or Less (Spoilers!) (duh) * (Lightning McQueen tells himself to focus) ''Car narration. * OK, I get that he's a racecar, but he lives in a world where the cars are living things...so why would racecars ever spend time in a dark trailer waiting for some big reveal like a human-world racecar? * Are these...are these cars taking pictures? How the f*ck does that work? * Are the helicopters anthropomorphic or are there cars inside the helicopters flying them? And if these helicopters are on their own, why isn't there a whole world full of them having helicopter races? * Also, I see Dinoco still exists in the living racecar world, even though this is a completely different world than the one in Toy Story. * If there were a car outperforming the others like this, especially at the end of the race...then the race wouldn't ever be in question. In other words, bullsh*t. * And this race...this is no different than a 10,000 meter footrace, right? Why would an event such as "running" be such a big sport in this world? * Also, if every part of these cars are actual living appendages and need to be changed periodically, like the tires--it really makes you ponder the question, "if I replace all the parts of an old car, is it the same old car or is it a new car?" * Separate men and women's bathrooms open up the question as to what makes a car male or female, and how car sex works. * Also, shouldn't this sexist joke about this long line of women cars be the other way around? Or am I being sexist for thinking it should be another way? Ah, f*ck it. * Also, ha ha, because even female cars take sooooo much longer in the bathroom than men, am I right?! Ha ha ha--wait...what are these cars even going to the bathroom for?! Oil changes?! Top offs? This long line makes no sense!! * ''(Chick knocks another car out of the way) ''Tony Stewart. * ''(The race commentators, Bob Cutlass and Darrell Cartrip, introduce themselves) ''Get it? It's just like The Flintstones! For cars! * This race also brings into question why there are nothing but male cars in it. Are male cars inherently faster than female cars? What kind of bullsh*t is that? * ''(Chick shoves another car toward the wall) ''F*cking 10 yards, unsportsmanlike conduct! * ''(Cartrip says there's no way Lightning can make it through the massive clusterf*ck of vehicles in one piece) Darrell...ahem...CARTRIP...would be excellent at CinemaSins. * (McQueen makes a ridiculous jump over the wreckage) ''This maneuver is total bullsh*t...but if this really is a race like Daytona or something like that, this mega-wreck would cause a delay or stoppage that would "freeze" the action until it got sorted out. * ''(Cutlass notes that McQueen isn't pitting) ''Wait, you're saying EVERYONE pitted at the 215 mile mark EXCEPT McQueen, and he's still somehow in the lead 80 laps later?!?!? Without pitting?! And his car hasn't broken down?! * Cars should not have tongues, but whatever...even if they did, this tongue-extension should NOT count in this automobile race. * It's taking them a REALLY long time to figure out who won this thing! * ''(McQueen's self-proclaimed biggest fans approach him and show him their headlights) ''That's a headlight joke, right there. * ''(A tiebreaker race held in California in one week is announced) ''Hope you didn't have plans. * Also, why not just f*cking race right now? And why's that sh*t gotta take place in California? * This race shot off fireworks after announcing a three-way tie. I bet the fans were like, "F*CK you, race! I'm stuck in traffic after paying big money to see an inconclusive sporting event!" * ''(Two familiar-sounding cars tell Mack to not drive like each other) This Click and Clack cameo is now sad, since one of them died. Nice going, Pixar. Thanks Obama. * Instead of a moon roof allowing him to see the stars, this truck has a digital ceiling, allowing him to see the stars...while also wasting a LOT more energy. Sweet! * Somehow a truck THIS interesting to the press will go missing, like, moments after this. * I get what you're trying to go for here, with the hustle and bustle of life, but...is there ANY highway in the U.S. with THIS much f*ckery of exits and entrance ramps going on?!?! * By the way, this car getting a ride from a truck doesn't endear me much to Lightning McQueen--but I'm already having trouble figuring out why I should root for this guy since he's been nothing but an asshole since the movie started. * The Fast and the Car-ious! * (The Delinquent Road Hazards - yes, they're actually named - cause Mack to fall asleep) ''This rough 'n tough car street-gang's main motivation is...to make tired vehicles sleep? * Well, in order for this movie to happen, it needs the truck to fall asleep...the asshat neon cars to push the truck into the rumble strips, AND the rumble strips to cause a bobblehead to fall and open the back door. * Also, a high-tech car race-car-transporting big rig would DEFINITELY have a failsafe in place to keep Lightning from just drifting out of the back of the truck while sleeping!! * ALSO...the tailgate dropping to the pavement and creating sparks STILL doesn't wake up this semi?!?! * ''(McQueen calls out for Mack) ''Aren't nearly all these trucks named Mack? Because if they aren't, that's some bullsh*t and I don't like it. * After driving along thinking EVERY semi he sees is Mack, Lightning makes the crazy decision to pinpoint Mack's identity to this one exiting semi...because story. I mean...think about it, Lightning! WHY would Mack be getting off the highway to California at a lonely exit offering no truck stops or gasoline or anything?! The ENTIRE movie hinges on this terrible split-second decision made by Lightning. * Magic train appears so that this movie has an "exciting" beat-the-train scene that is only in this movie and no other movies before it. * In this world, you can get a ticket for running too fast. * Electrical and phone wires are NOT made out of bungee, and neither are the wooden poles they're attached to. * So...remember the movie Doc Hollywood? Michael J. Fox played a doctor who had a big interview with a plastic surgery office and he had car trouble and he got stuck in a small town and saw Julie Warner's boobs? This movie is Doc Hollywood dressed up as an animated racecar flick and no boobies--unless you count that headlight scene, which I don't. * I'm for a good pun just like anybody, but "Braking News?" As in, news that's so important you "brake" for it? How do we reconcile that sh*t? * This movie has zero respect for the actual mobility impact of parking boots! * ''(Hudson half pays attention to Sally's speech, which she's apparently given before) ''Again? Do you have regular court sessions in this tiny-ass Podunk town? Enough that she's given this speech before?! I don't think so, is what I'm saying. * ''(Sally asks Luigi what he sells at his store; he responds with "tires") ''Jesus, she didn't even call him to the stand or anything. This is more like a church revival meeting than a real court! * ''(Sally says "Big Al" has the horsepower to fix the road) ''Yeah, but not the actual towing capacity--if you think a racecar is going to lug some giant tar rig then you guys are living in a cartoon. * ''(Mater says he'd give his "left two lugnuts" to work with Bessie) ''The whole movie is filled with sh*t like this. * Also, in 2006, this was right around the time you thought, "Man, Pixar has a perfect record...they may lose that perfect record! Why, Cars, why!?" * After an attempted getaway, Lightning runs out of gas at the EXACT spot the cop and district attorney are inexplicably waiting to taunt him! * Jesus. How long is that fire truck going to water those flowers? And did I just say that? * They just dart around this massive road damage like it's a puddle, paying it no attention whatsoever, thereby kind of proving Lightning's point about how little the pavement damage really matters. * Radiator Springs is filled with the most desperate salesmen created this side of Glengarry Glen Ross. I also think I now understand why this town went extinct. * Extremely old joke about Butte that was used in Toy Story 2 rears its ugly Butte in the ass-end of another Pixar movie. * Movie wastes time with a Lightning McQueen nightmare where Chick Hicks gets the Dinoco sponsorship...something we don't give a sh*t about right now because Lightning has been nothing but a big asshole this whole movie. We like Chick better than this dude, so it seems like a good fantasy to us. * I'm actually wondering right now why Bessie isn't a self-contained living vehicle. Everything else like this is a living thing, why isn't this? * This guy's SUPER flexible on applying the law after spending the first half of the movie being SUPER stringent about it. * Wait...are those tire tracks in the sky? They have flying vehicles that make normal smoke, right? The f*ck? * ''("Uno lappo") ''That sh*t is racist. By the way, nearly an hour in, and this guy is still a terrible "person". * ''(Hudson asks if Mater's got his tow cable) And why wouldn't he? It's attached to him. * Do these cars really never go anywhere? I mean, what's the point of being a car? * ("...That punk actually did a good job.") ''And it makes up for all the bad stuff he's done so far! * ''(Hudson tells Lightning that "if you go hard enough left, you'll find yourself going right") ''Is he talking about race cars or sexual fluidity, or...city planning?! * There is NO part of this machine stretching out over this far-right foot-and-a-half of road, and yet it's being newly repaved...by magic! * Porsche tramp stamp. * With this tar machine running while Lightning sits and talks to everyone, shouldn't there be a pile of unused tar on the road, or is he actually making a speed bump--cars' sworn enemy? * ''("Tractor tipping's ''fun!") ''Oh come on. What kind of bullsh*t am I watching right now? * How does this field, let alone this entire empty-ass town, require this many goddamn tractors?! * Yes, this is rough terrain, but Frank should still not be able to keep up with or catch up to a f*cking race car. He's a combine or a thresher or something for f*ck's sake! * Also, from this point forward, the much slower Mater will somehow keep up with Lightning during this chase. * Frank could EASILY decimate that fence and keep chasing them. Except for the invisible dog fence that I'm assuming is in place here...for some reason. * ''(Mater says Lightning's in love with Sally) ''Wait...did something happen in this movie that would make a love story possible? Have they spoken more than 50 words to each other? * It's actually insane I'm watching a Pixar movie right now. It's got so much filler in it. When it came to making this movie, I guess they just threw out that "Story First" philosophy. * Movie makes an attempt at a half-assed emotional connection an hour into the movie. * Also...THIS...says a lot more about what a sh*thole Radiator Springs is than ANY other attempt by the movie to convince me this place is a sh*thole. * How did Lightning turn all the way around in this thing? * Wait a minute...are all the countries the same in this car world? I mean, the exact same American flag? Was there a Revolutionary War where George "Carwashington" crossed the Delaware? A midnight ride by Paul Revving? A traitor by the name of Benedict Arnoil? Sentence Movie Sin Tally: 97 Sentence: Altamont SpeedwayCategory:EWW Videos w/Pixar Movies Category:EWW Videos Category:Videos